I get that way too!

I know there are days where I can be soo inspiring and just soar off the heat I get fed for me size. Yet, there is a way to set me on a sad mood and now I'll share with you what made me try to be the better Lolita. I am going to share with you what made me say I am not going to let anymore girls feel the way I felt four years ago at the Kawaii Kon (Hawaii's Anime Convention).

For those who do know me personally I have been a Lolita for 13 years now. I have been hiding it for good chunk of my life due to people hurting me and ripping apart my dresses out of pure jealousy. So hiding it is and was easier for me rather than getting beaten up daily and coming home with broken $200+ dresses...Yet, this is not what started me in the path I decided to take.

It was 2006 and Kawaii Kon had finally moved to the Hawaii Convention Center. They thought they would introduce a few new things like Lolita...I was excited and I decided to wear a 1998 old school star print Metamorphose JSK to the convention. I felt so excited to be there in Lolita and to see a few other Lolitas in Brand as well made me so excited! I remember meeting this girl who said "Oh! You should come by my friend's booth you'd really love it!" So I thought to myself sure! I'd love to meet more Lolitas in Hawaii. Of course little did I know that this would be the start of a path I would hate.

You see back then I was 360lbs and the Meta dress I have is from the old school days of when you go to the store they could make the dress for you and no extra cost. I obliged and met up with the young lady's friend and there she was...I thought to myself she is really cute no question about it. Then as I approached the table her smile faded and her mouth opened and the foulest thing came out of it! "OH! Um...If you're trying to be a Lolita...*giggle* which judging by that poorly replicated dress you are...You're a little too fat to be Lolita! Nice try!" and she cackled...Her friend was on the plus size side too and I looked at her and thought wow...for someone who is supposed to be Lolita...You arent very nice...Then I took a look at her in her Angelic Pretty Cinderella's Dream OP and realized wait...what is this girl talking about? She's not thin herself! Her waist bow was about 4 inches under her boobs and she squeezed into that dress...

So I blew off what ever she threw at me on that day and sai you know whatever maybe she's stressed out because she had the panel coming up! Which was the next day...So the next day I decided to wear my Moi Meme Moite jsk...She didnt think it was brand as well...she called it "A nice Ebay Replica" even with the tag sticking out of the back! Like I said I got these back in the day when you could pay the stores either extra to make a custom sized dress or some stores seen it as a service...I wished her luck with her Panel she gave me a hug and said "Thank you! No one said that yet!"

Then this is where it set me on my path...So we went to that panel...about 100+ people showed up...I didnt realize how many would and then she started the slide show....a light pink back ground with white letterings? I was not the only person standing to see the presentation...Yet something felt wrong...Something felt off about her words...she started talking about brand shopping "So when you buy from brand shops, they only sell stuff in one size! So too bad if you are fat beacause you'll have to squeez in to the dresses and cry because you are soo fat!" I then turned my attention from the screen to where she was and her she was staring right at me...amongst 100+ people why me or in my direction?

I then got my friends and left in rage...I wanted to do such unlolita like things like yell profanity, flip her off, or even perhaps throw my shoe at her...Instead as soon as I walked outside of the room I ran off...to a remote area to cry...I remember I cried soo hard and called my self so many names in the book "ita", "fatty", "ugly" believing her...and thinking to myself "wow...I must be that hiddeous..." Then it did not help that there is a girl with a group of her friends down here on the tear to deface my name...calling me all those words and whats worse is they all play innocent to others...Saying I'm the liar...or the fake...when I havent been!

So after that I set out trying to make a group to set things right...that didnt work out in Hawaii. For one reason, everyone wants to be apart of the "it" crowd...Everyone wants to be apart of the Angelic Pretty craze too down here...and it doesnt help me one bit at all when I go on to Angelic Pretty's Blog and the very Liar and meanie is there standing next to Asuka like they are bffs... Here she is the girl who called me too fat for Lolita:

For a while I contemplated on leaving Lolita all together and letting it sink and die in Hawaii...Because of all these subsitute sweeteners who call them self princesses...I dont think this is at our convention center but she claimed it was for a while here she is in the front with the smug ugly face of I'm better than you in the light blue, on Asuka's head table:

Seeing photos like these start reminding me about those ugly unhappy feelings...I haven't felt those in soo long. I haven't cried over what she has said about me in over 4 years till today. The thought about Angelic Pretty Supporting such mean girls and having them as Honorary princesses makes me think...I dont want to Love Angelic Pretty anymore...It makes me feel like I did when they made the change to their new prints...Disappointed in their brand...It makes me feel like declining every tea party they invite me to knowing that she is one of the girls they support...

What will happen to my love for them? Who knows...All I know is people like this girl make me who I am today! Girls like this shape girls like me into either quiting Lolita, or drive them into hating Lolita...I try not to give her that power over me. Like I said maybe one day I can sip tea with girls and guys of all shapes and sizes dressed like AP cookie cutter clones like this:

Until that day we all have to deal with people telling us no we cant! People telling us we are Liars...Yet, one thing will always remain...the truth is with you...inside your heart! Thank you for sipping tea with me on such a sad day for me, knowing you know what I have said makes me feel that much better! With love <3 The Panda Princess <3